Butterfly Fail

So I finally watched that great new EVE promotional video that everyone has been raving about.  You know the one, its supposed to be about the butterfly effect.  Except, its more like a moth.  Or maybe a horse.  Because the video is a total and complete fabrication of reality.  In a word, its misleading.  In the grander scheme, it sucks.

So I decided to rewrite the script so its a little closer to the truth, here you go:

Moderate Male Narrator:  Welcome to the world of EVE Online.  Here you can be anything, go anywhere, do whatever you want.  But first, you will have to mine incessently.  Which is why you are headed to this mining belt in your brand new Rifter. 

You’ve fitted it with small artillery, miners, and an afterburner, because you know nothing about fitting ships.  But it looks cool.  You arrive in the belt to see a mining barge has already chewed through every rock in the place.  But there are rats here!  At least you can make some bounty.  You target the rats, and turn your afterburner on to get as far away from them as possible.  Because you are using artillery, noob.

Just then, the mining barge launches a full set of five drones!  The rats explode before your eyes, almost before you can get to optimal range.  You send a PM to the pilot to tell him how awesome that was to see and maybe ask him some advice.  But it turns out you have to pay three thousand ISK just to try to talk to him – but its worth it, right?  When he doesnt respond, you try again.  And again.  12k ISK and 5 minutes later, you finally decide to use the local channel to hail him and tell him how cool his drones were and if he had any advice for you.

Yeah, your Rifter is failfit, noob.  Undeterred, you ask him if you can join his corp, because its not good to play alone in this dangerous sandbox we’ve created, where even in hi sec, you can be ganked by hordes of free alts flying destroyers, who can kill just to see you die.  Fine, he says, go to our office and turn in an application.  The nearest office is 20 jumps away, so you set destination and fire up the autopilot just like the tutorial told you.

Hours pass, and you get lunch and read the paper while you inch towards your destination.  Finally you get there and apply.  A few days later, you’re finally accepted.  It turns out there is an op for tomorrow night!  Excellent!

But the corp leader doesn’t want you to go, because you might be a spy for the other alliance.  Finally though the mining guy tells him what a noob you were, and that its probably cool.  They tell you to join them you have to take your guns off and put on “modules” to help them “tackle ships.”  You think this must be noob hazing or some bizarre initiation ritual but it turns out it normal.

You join the patrol of people, all of them flying battleships except for a few guys that have something called a Drake, that looks like a flying tinfoil bedsheet.  It takes you an hour to meet up with the zero sec alliance fleet you are supposed to be helping, but it turns out they don’t trust your new corp either.  You have to wait here and guard the gate while they go shoot the badguys. It looks like its maybe 100 on 100 but it turns out its only like five guys against six guys and they all just have a bunch of alts.

Five hours later, you return back to your home base, frustrated and tired.  You wonder what it would have been like if you had just shot the mining barge instead.  Piracy is always an option in the sandbox!

So you see, if you had shot at the mining barge, his T2 drones would have totally beat down your failfit Rifter, and the universe would be completely different than it is now!  But since you joined this corp, you impacted that deep space battle by totally guarding that sweet gate!

Congratulations noob!  Welcome to the machine…errr, sandbox.  We mean the sandbox.


4 thoughts on “Butterfly Fail

  1. Pingback: on “The Butterfly Effect” | Aether

  2. excellent post 🙂 though you should have thrown a quick death and podding when your autopilot took you through lowsec on your way for the corp app 🙂

  3. Tavi

    That was hysterical. Now I have to go watch the video. “… totally guarding that sweet gate.” Classic.

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